a review of a mistake in life lately

I got a little behind on Blogtember, if the definition of little is the same as a lot.

This week, I was supposed to do a life lately, a review, and tell the story of a mistake I made.

There are few things better that you can do for a person than editing your words down by 50% (says the novelist emailer), so that's I'll do what I can to be charitable.

(Edited to add upon finishing this two days after starting - this isn't short. At all.)

Let's do this thang.

A patter-in.

We've been educating the youngins. Some lessons are more formal than others. We get fancy up in our house when we change into real clothes before we start school for the day.

A lesson in letting mommy sleep while you occupy yourself.

Behold the face of home education.

We've gone on enrichment field trips.

Uncle 1st Lt. explaining the habits of monkeys to eager young minds.

Some are more enriching than others.

At the HEB imitating the monkeys. Or something like that.

We saw off Uncle and Aunt 1st Lt. as they moseyed along across the South to another base. This is the first big move for our family so we had a bit of a problem letting them go.

We're not above tears or hysteria.

Autumn has come and the Sisters B and their mama wore the appropriate colors to Holy Mass to celebrate. Faces are true to emotions felt over the arrival of our long-lost lower temps.

Applaud my photography skills.

And with fall comes a couple of special days where imagination reigns, children delight, and The Guild of Uncrafty Mothers have immeasurable ways to earn their way into Heaven.

Breaking the Guild rules and preparing costumes more than two days in advance. A sneak peek at a couple of saints.
Any guesses?

In the midst of all this busyness, I've made a pretty glaring error. A big one. One brought to my attention as I was fulfilling my vocation by researching and planning and re-researching and shifting around education plans.

M was swinging on the end of the bed, chattering away while I half-heartedly answered every once in a while. I had no idea what she was saying. I was busy! I'm doing important work! I'm creating an imaginative, holy, classical environment so I can produce the future saints of the Church, child! 

"When I grow up, I'm going to have time to play with my kids."

Screeeeeeech.

Now, lately, M has been enamored with her mama. Anything I do, she wants to do. Anything I wear, she loves and copies. Phrases I use, food I eat, books I read - anything and everything, she wants to be her mama. I love it and it inspires me to be a better, more intentional person.

So when the phrase, "when I grow up..." isn't ended with, "I want to be a mommy as devoted to her offspring as you," it made me want to cry.

"Do you think Mommy doesn't have time to play with you?" I inquired of the brutally honest five-year old.

"Well, sometimes you do and sometimes you don't. And that's okay," my soft-hearted, terrified-of-confrontation-like-her-mama-is girl answered, just as I would have in the same situation.

I messed up big time. 

In all my attempts to be a loving mother and pintrest-worthy educator, I'd forgotten the importance and joy of just playing with my little ones. I'll cut myself enough slack to acknowledge we're in a very transitional period, I'm solo-parenting most of the week, I'm new to this home education gig, and I'm tired. 

But that's no excuse. I look so forward to the moment when their little eyes fall shut at night that I plow through, getting all I have to get done, done - and not enjoying and growing in the moment. God's given me the opportunity to grow in love and holiness with what He's put in front of me and I just duck my head and plow through without earning graces or building upon the love my girls have for me.

Life skills lesson #4 - how to gracefully ignore bodily fluids being flung all over your hands. I'm training up a future mother here.

What's even worse is that lately, I've gotten a little misty-eyed at how big my little girls are getting. I love every part of the ages we're in - the cuddle time each afternoon as we read for hours during the hottest part of the day; the wanting to be just like mama; the hugs and little whispers of, "I'm so glad we're best friends, Mommy."; the innocence of playing animals and little people and calico critters. Every single thing about this age is a newfound joy and there is no one else in the world they'd rather discover it with than their sister, the mama, and their daddy. 

As I've gone through pictures of the past five years with our girls, it's made me realize how fleeting this is and how quickly we're approaching the ages where things aren't quite as simple and care-free. If God doesn't bless us with another wee one, these days are quickly fading forever. At the very least, they are with these two beautiful girls. And I'm done making the mistake of the duck and run to bedtime.

The Never-Ending Story Of Ponies and Princesses.

I can't claim to having changed overnight, but I've certainly gotten better at just being silly with my little ones.

And this is where the review part comes in:

This home education thing. 

It's hard. Really, really hard. Especially if you're not in your own space, shipped your books to the wrong address, your materials are across the state, you don't have an income, and you have no idea what you're doing. Hypothetically, of course.

I will sing the praises of home education all day long to you. I will ride high upon my gigantic horse and with him, step upon a box of soap. I feel strongly that not only is every family capable of doing it, every family can be called to it. 

I once listened to a talk where the priest discussed the real importance and reason of homeschooling. Especially at our girls' young ages, educating at home is far less about academics, and far more about instilling a love of learning and a rock-solid foundation of virtue. 

These years are fleeting (see: above) and my review on the last month of homeschooling is that I need to realize that. I need to be okay with tossing aside my meticulously planned academic week and packing a picnic lunch and playing in nature for a day. We always, always get everything done and I think our girls have and can hold their own against the education philosophies of other schooling options.

What I'm teaching them is to overcome selfishness and impatience. There are few people on this earth with less patience than me. I am constantly battling it and often lose - more often that not (holla at my confessor). When that happens every 7.9 minutes, I tell them that I, too, make bad choices and I'm sorry for how I acted, do they forgive me, and we start again. I'm praying that, through our home education, they learn, above all, to die to one's self - to serve others, most especially when you don't want to.

St. Therese's Homeschool of Hard Knocks or The Little Way. I've heard it both ways.

And because of that, we trudge on, learning and growing and failing and growing some more. I'd say that earns an A+.

comfortable

Today's Blogtember: Friday, September 20: React to this term: comfort.


I'm not above admitting that my favorite place in my entire house is my bed while I'm sleeping soundly, uninterrupted by the sounds of children needing their basic needs met (gah, what next? a learjet?) with white noise blocking out any sounds of traffic or imagined burglers breaking into our house to kill us; preferable, but not necessary, is the presence of those needy children's quiet, precious, sleeping selves next to me, sandwiched between me and my quiet, loving, non-snoring husband - all of us warm and cozy under a fluffy freshly laundered (hence the well-deserved nap - pat, pat, back) blanket, warming us from the 40 degree weather that our super-efficient a/c is blowing out. 

I'm really low-maintenence, obv.

Motherhood is hard, but the view is great.

Now that, y'all, is comfortable. 

And sometimes it's what gets me through the day. When the thought of that doesn't, I go to my [over-use-but-fittingly-named] happy place. 

My soul is quieted when I'm struggling and I mentally place myself in a darkened chapel in front of a monstrance holding The Blessed Sacrament. If the moment permits, I'll quickly put my frustrations at His Feet (why, oh, why, do my children constantly need meals and dirty their clothes upon eating said food? is a big one. #firstworldproblems); if the moment doesn't allow, I just quiet myself for a few seconds and focus on Our Lord in The Blessed Sacrament. 

Even now, the sound of Gregorian Chant immeeeeediately calms me and puts my mind in the presence of Our Lord. I have an affinity for darkened churches (filled with people and altar servers and a priest because I'm not going to lie, an empty darkened church quickens my steps and makes my the grand champion of quick genuflecting) because of my love of Midnight Mass early Christmas morning, or Easter Vigil Mass, or even the different schedule of a celebrating a Holy Day of Obligation with attending an evening Mass. 

 It's a stretch, but it counts, y'all. h/t Kristin, again!

It stems from my childhood and still brings me immediate peace (a little less quiet peace as we're now toting two little souls into said very late Masses, but hey, there are many different ways to grow in holiness.).  When I hear Gregorian Chant, my soul is calmed and I can remember the smell of incense and the ringing of bells, especially the progression of bells during the Gloria on Easter Vigil. 

Needy children before Easter Vigil this year.

Christmas Evening Mass post-veil hair.

Those thoughts (they're really super quick whenever they happen) quiet down into the gentle comfort of one-on-one time with Our Lord in The Blessed Sacrament. And even though most of the time neither of us say anything, I see Him and He sees me and that's enough to comfort my soul.

7QT, Clicking Around

1. What. The. Heck. Add that to my list of things I didn't know I was terrified of.

2. What. The. Heck. Just, gross.

3. I feel better about myself already. For simply surviving the day.

4. Come out of your rocky dwelling if you haven't seen this.  It'll make you cry. And empty your wallet. You're forewarned.

5. This is how I am, except to the sound of nocturnal children crying rather than Asian pop. The sister's reaction is even better than the baby's, I think!

6. This gal and her husband are moving to Georgia in four days. We'll miss them, but we're glad they kept our kids occupied for a few minutes until they flee the Texas heat into the Georgian humidity.

7. On a serious note: thoughts from public schoolers/homeschoolers on this? In my small experience on the subject, it's spot on, but I'd like a fair response on the subject before I use it as a resource.


And that's all this homeschooing, wife-of-a-hard-working-out-of-town-husband has time for. Unless the kids get sucked into Libra-life-saver Beatrix Potter, in which case, I'll be back with Blogtember.


Godspeed into the weekend.

not ringing a bell

Day 11 of Blogtember is simply a memory you'd love to relive.

Unfortunately for you - perhaps luckily? - I don't have a great memory for moments. I focus so much on the present and on the future that my memories quickly fade. I often blame it on mamacita-brain or hormones, but in reality, I remember thinking as a child that I couldn't remember things vividly beyond the grade I was in the year before.

That being said - just real quick, I have to bring myself to fame in the realm of remembering people and their stories. There isn't a face in entertainment that I can't place, a voice I can't pinpoint to a show we watched ten years ago, or a backstory that I can't give you (slightly inaccurate but desperately attempted) details about.  I have some serious talent and if ever a gameshow named "The Face" airs on CBS, I'm your winner winner chicken dinner. Also, song lyrics. I will crush you. Also, events. I'm usually right.

BUT, when it comes to things like memories of things I've lived, I bow gracefully out of the competition. 

I remember M's birth pretty well until I don't remember anything because I've passed out from pain and blood loss and the whole shebang. E's birth is remembered fondly, down to the smallest of details. My meeting Mr. B and our love story is etched into my forever lobe. **Those are pretty much the big guns of my life which is why I reference them every 2.4 sentences.**

I would love to relive those memories, tweaking a few things - like near-death-experiences - a wee bit. Above all, though, I think I'd like to relive our wedding because I don't remember much of it.

I remember waking up what I thought was early (6am ain't nothing for a mama anymore) and went with my dad to get pancakes the morning the first of his daughters got married. I have fond memories of that, except I have no memories of what actually happened (six am? Y'all.). I just remember being....fond of it.

(All photos are ripped off of Facebook because our wedding photo cd is packed away! Thanks to all who posted them because six and a half years later, I need them!)

I'm fond.

I remember our precious flower girls getting ready and my sister getting into town and giving me the Rosary that I carried down the aisle. I remember taking goofy photos with my other sister and laughing about who knows what because we laugh at everything. I remember my best friend playing interference for any problems that arose.

I remember desperately trying to not hurt anyone's feelings and hearing through the infamous and deadly vine of the grape that we had inadvertently and unintentionally hurt everyone's feelings. Whoops and failure. And I think I'll skip reliving all of that.

Promise, we meant well. And I will have a large forehead forever and ever, amen.

I remember standing at the back of the church before walking down the aisle and seeing Mr. B standing in the front. 

Back of the church, post-nuptials. Thanks, Kristin!

I vaguely remember the vows that bind us together until death.

Photographic proof we didn't imagine this covenant. Courtesy of  Kristen Bednarz's amazing skills!

More proof that we were not photogenic on our wedding day. Or ever.

I remember the altar boys putting two kneelers together after we had taken our vows and leaving a few inches in between then and our priest whispering loud enough for us to hear: "Put them closer together - they're married now for goodness' sake." 

And then I remember snippets from our reception, mostly that it was freezing so a kindly soul turned down the A/C and then it was super ridiculously hot (hello, Houston in summer time). 

The [literally] hot couple.

Fading faster than a Marty McFly photo.

I remember leaving the reception and calling our dear [shocked and incredulous] friend as we pulled a u-turn because I realized I had left my purse that held all identification that would allow me to jump on a plane to Puerto Rico the next day.

Said shocked friend.

And I remember going to Chile's to get wings and queso afterwards.

Even though that seems like a lot, there are a whole lot of gaps that are blurred out and I'd love to remember marrying the love of my life. 

Thankfully love never fades.

seven quick takes in blogtember

1. This has been a good blogging week, as in, I've blogged this week. Going out with a bang.


2. We started homeschooling this week and we're off to a good start. Minus that our textbooks are currently in the UK. But hey, who needs book learning when you have the great outdoors that we never venture out into because holy hot weather, Batman.


3. I took a fun Catholic IQ Test last night and scored a 183. Apparently I don't know the difference between a missal and a sacramentary (for the record - the sacramentary looked a whole lot like a Latin Mass MISSAL, but whatevs); I'm inept in the realm of heresies; and I don't know where the Pope lives (I call misclick on that one). In good news, I won a free prize for knowing the basics of The Faith, so stop on by and treat yo'self.


4. The only part of college football that I really enjoy is the part dealing with fashion and food, but I have a few things to say about it this year:

4a. When did Thursday night games begin? It's throwing my weekend attire plans right out window into the sweltering Texas heat to shrivel away and die.

4b.

Fight Raiders fight, 

Fight Raiders fight, 

Fight for the school we love so dearly.

We'll hit 'em high 

We'll hit 'em low 

Push that ball across the goal, 

TECH, FIGHT, FIGHT! 

We'll praise her name 

Boost her to fame 

Fight for the Scarlet and the Black 

We will hit 'em, we will wreck 'em 

Hit 'em, wreck 'em Texas Tech 

And the victory bells will ring out. 

Confusion sets in here:

Ew.

To The King: You're handsome, seemingly talented, and have brought excitement back to Lubbock game days, but you cannot choose uniforms wisely. Leave that to the women-folk, please, because gross.

5. Have any of y'all seen this? Someone has been attributing Adolf Hitler quotes to Taylor Swift. I really shouldn't think it's funny, but the psych minor in me thinks it's a fun group-thinking experiment and a testament to how sad the culture of idolization is. The me part of me just thinks it's funny. 

Any joke here feels inappropriate.

6. This book. For the literary-inclined folks, it's a decent read, though I think the author is a newbie writer. For the Catholics, it's a fun introduction to a little-known saint. 

7. For the Blogtember link-up, I'm supposed to take a self-picture. 

Y'all. My arms are short. My fingers are stubby. And my hand muscles have wasted away due to child birth (not really, obv, but it's a sure thing when you're talking about weakness of any sort. Blame it on the children.). It's blurry, my smile has faded into consternation, and I may never recover from the physical trauma. How do people take so many of these things? PS. I don't have a Harvard-educated phone. I straight-up guessed if I was on camera. Cue applause...now.

This is the best I can do. And I'm not going to lie; I probably took about fifteen of these things. I don't know why I didn't duck face it and call it a night, but I just couldn't. 

In good news, you caught me on a game day (Thursday night? What the?). Get your guns up and wreck 'em.

The face of a silent sufferer, praying that this one worked.

That'll do, pig. That'll do.

all about meme

Thursday, September 12: Discuss ways that blogging or social media has changed you.


I feel like I should have a deep story about a becoming a better person, but really, social media has made me dislike technology, while being addicted to it (I just can't quit you, Facebook, even though I want to!).

But really, it's affected my thinking the most. 

It hasn't made me more analytical or direct in argumentation (see: Mr. B's facebook arguments with law school cohorts at any point in time) - instead the thought of an argument out in a public forum makes me seven kinds of nauseous. 

I've not become more interested in people's lives. I've always been nosy (in a good way, not pulling a Mrs. Kravitz here) about the five dubs and solo h on people's lives (who! what! why? where! when! how!). Give me a backstory and I'll give you both ears.

It's not kept me up with the news that I avoid so I'm not up at 3am worrying; it's not helped me keep in touch with people, because liking a status doesn't count (self, did you hear that?); it's certainly not helped me grow spiritually, most of the time.

It has, however, taught me to think in meme form.

I've always wanted to use one of her memes.

The Meme has a hold over me. I think they're hilarious. I really laugh out loud almost every time Willy Wonka crosses my screen.

The Double Dubya is brilliant.

The Most Interesting Man In The World Is pretty great, too.

Me.

I love the ecard ones and even maybe possibly bought a good number of items from their product line in the Target dollar section, but only a few dozen dollars worth, so not many.

She had me at Target.

You're stuck with me.

Behold: how my loved ones feel. Also, I ugly laughed at this one.

We're big proponents of modesty here at Story of our Souls.

I shouldn't laugh. But I did. So hard.

Another set I laugh uproariously out loud over are the ones of the one, holy, Catholic, and apostolic variety.

Been saying it for years.

It's true, he does.

Boom. Roasted.

It all makes sense now.

St. Pius X, the original hipster.

I could go on and on, but I'll stop because otherwise, I'd be

Me 2.0

Wise words.

Thank you, facebook and blogging, for introducing Memes to me.

lovelies

Wednesday, September 11: Share links to your favorite online shops, preferably with a few photos of your favorite items in each shop.


This topic I could do blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back. I am nothing if not a fashion stalker.

I have three very, very favorite shops for the lovelies. 

The dress in our family picture up top is from Ruche and Mr. B gifted me with another for his graduation that I haven't worn yet, but I'm looking at you, The Day The Bar Results Are Posted And We Go Out To Celebrate.

I'd love to own these dresses, plus all their sisters. 

Hello, my pretty.

At the low, low price of $140. Le sigh.

I have met perfection and her name is this Convivial Pursuit.

And of course, I frequent the bullseye for monitor shopping and the jungle for more practical items such as things we need instead of things we simply drool over. I know once we get a house, I'll fall in love with decor sites, as well.

This, for the record, is the reason God has seen it fit to make sure we don't have a lot of spare income.

on spiritual motherhood

Tuesday, September 10: Describe a distinct moment when your life took a turn.



Rachel hit the name right on the head when she wrote that post. Aside from the obvious moments that define my vocation

• the moment Mr. B and I began our relationship that led to marriage
• M's birth
• E's birth

I think of the little moments that lead to the greater scheme of things - when Joseph and I decided that he should attend law school was pretty big, but wasn't a huge turn. When we decided to homeschool, but we always leaned that way.

My first thought was that this sermon was life-changing for me. And it was. But it carried me into what I think my answer should be.

I feel like Our Lord has blessed Mr. B and I with a sense of clarity (Mr. B more than I) to see the bigger picture and to know, even if we can't see, that there is a Divine plan in the midst of the very heavy crosses we've been called to bear.

When we got married, we knew that we were entering into a sacred covenant in which the primary end is the procreation and education of children. Folks - even good, devout Catholics - would chuckle uncomfortably when we were asked how many children we wanted and they got the answer, "however many God gives us, but we're hoping for at least a dozen." We were blessed to see, with perfect clarity, that family life is how we had been called to give honor to God and make our way toward Heaven.

But, oh the plans we make.

I can't help it. I'm addicted to memes.

God granted us two beautiful, healthy girls - albeit, they came through difficult pregnancies and births.

He also granted us another beautiful life that was lost too soon after conception. We lost a baby, once upon a time, soon after realizing we were pregnant and long before we ever got to meet him or her. 

This little life was given to us during a time when our doctors told us we shouldn't have another baby and so I was scared. Paralytically scared. I remember crying in our living room because I was scared that this birth would be the one that left my husband widowed and my children, including this new little life, without a mother. I remember already loving the little life, but being terrified of what it meant. I remember two days after, coming to an incredible sense of peace and joy and excitement about our growing family. And I remember two days after that is when we began to lose our child.

For once, our clarity was taken away. We didn't know what was happening, as I have a history of bleeding in early pregnancies. Instead of asking for help with the three babies in my care (I was nannying at the time), I closed in on myself and mourned alone. Mr. B and I decided (for whatever reason) that we weren't going to tell anyone what was going on until we knew for sure.

It's not widely taught that even miscarried babies have to be baptized. They do and it's probably one of the harder things that our Faith asks us to do. We didn't know, so we didn't baptize ("we didn't know" is the theme of this time in our life together!).

The most vivid memory I have of this time is pulling three little ones in a wagon behind me (it was the only way to calm the little boy under my care, poor little tyke!) and talking on the phone with my beloved spiritual director. I mourned the loss of this life to him and he prayed for me and with me and gave me words of comfort, though not compromising Church teaching. 

He talked to me about baptism and reminded me that God loves us as we love our children, but only more. He told me to take comfort that our child is in God's Hands, even though we didn't baptize, and to remember, whenever I beat myself up or fear for the fate of our child, that we are leaving him in the Hands which lovingly and painstakingly shaped our baby out of nothingness in my womb.

In the next few weeks, we found out and rejoiced that my sister-in-law and her husband were expecting. Their due date was around the same time that ours would have been. We still hadn't told anyone of our miscarriage and rejoiced with them. Though I was truly, truly joyful at their welcoming a new life, I cried and cried and cried. I mourned, again, the life I would never meet. 

And to be honest, I was mad that this was the cross I'd been given. Me, who got married with the intent of following Our Lord through bearing so many children, was not being given the path to Heaven I decided I was supposed to have.

I wish I could say that I matured past that within a few weeks, but it was a struggle I had up until a couple of months ago. You see, Our Lord has seen it fit that having a large family, at least at this time, isn't His Plan for us. We've been given several fertility issues that make conception difficult, if not impossible. Perhaps it's a cross that will be taken from us in the future, but for now, it's the one we're bearing.

And I was mad and hurt and indignant. I just knew that the traditional camp of Catholic friends we have were thinking that we contracepted and that the more modern camp of Catholic friends we were around thought us hypocrites because we had such a small family while speaking out against contraception and sterilization and encouraging, rather, the use of NFP for families who struggle with their family size. I just knew it. How could it be otherwise?

No one had ever said anything, but I just knew it.

I know what my Halloween costume needs to be.

You can probably see where this is going - my cross was one I had nailed to myself. I created my own cross of embarrassment and pride and as the years went on, the heavier it became and the more hurt at God's choice for us I became. I felt abandoned and forgotten by Him.

And then I went to confession with the priest lovingly dubbed Fr. Mozzie by Mr. B and I. This priest knows how to grow in holiness and his secret sources aren't so secret - he studies, he reads, he prays, and he knows Church teaching. He puts it in words that touch the souls of pretty much everyone he's met. We visited his parish and I quickly got in line for Confession because I'm addicted and I need the grace.

I confessed and Father said that he felt my soul was still not at peace. He asked me a few questions and I told him that I really didn't think I had anything else to confess. He gently asked me a few more and then finally asked how long I'd been married and how many children I have. When that topic opened up, he got to the heart of the matter - that I struggled with the cross of a small family and how I felt. Though this confession was during Holy Mass, I stayed in there for probably ten minutes (sorry, folks behind me; I'll never get frustrated in line for Confession again!) while he gave me counsel that finally, finally gave me peace.

He reminded me that, though most husbands and wives are called to sanctity through a large family, some aren't. He reminded me that God is calling me to holiness right here, right now, with our struggles with fertility. I could either gain grace and sainthood through our small family, or I could lose it.

Two things to note:

1. I'm pretty sure Fr. Moz can read souls. I went in not intending to discuss anything of the sort. I'm an in-and-out kind of gal when it comes to Confession. I leave the in-depth counsel for spiritual direction. But he told me a few times that he felt an unrest in my soul and couldn't, under pain of sin, let me leave the Confessional until my soul was at peace. After talking about this and receiving his gentle counsel, my soul, for the first time in three years, was finally at peace in regard to my fertility.

Don't mind me, just reading your soul.

{{Sidenote to the sidenote: did you know priests do penance for the penitents they hear? So when you go to confession for the first time in five years and only get a Rosary for your penance - that priest is doing penance on your behalf. I don't know if this is an obligation or not, but I do know that the priest who heard my confession does it because he was the one who told me about it!}}

2. I could either gain Heaven through what God's put in front of me - my inability to have more babies right now - or I could earn damnation. I left sobbing. Sooooobbbbing. It all makes sense when it's laid out in front of you. How dare I think myself better than the cross I've been given?


That's where the sermon I posted above comes in. It was actually given by the same priest who heard my confession and gave me such gentle counsel. It reminded me that though God may never bless us with more biological children, I can still be a mother. I am a mother, but I can be a mother to more than just M and E.

I realized (read: Fr. Moz did) that I had been wasting away these last few years, spiritually. I had been so focused on myself that I wasted the moments I could have been offering up my merits for someone else - I could have been a spiritual mother to the unborn in danger of abortion; to the priest struggling with loneliness; to the single mother fighting to make ends meet; to the new mother at home who is desperate for sleep and company; to the father trudging to a job he hates each day just to put food on the table; to the child who doesn't feel the love of a parent. My prayers and merits can change someone's life.

The vocation of motherhood is to help souls gain Heaven and perhaps that is what God is calling me to do for other people, outside of my own biological children. Of course my focus will be on raising our little girls to grow into holy young women, but I can and will offer a spiritual motherhood to some struggling soul out there that I will probably never meet, except, please God, in Heaven.

And did I forget to mention that in spite of all my sins and human failings about losing our child, that God saw fit to give us parenthood during that time, albeit godparenthood? Remember that little life that was given to my sister-in-law and her husband? We're her godparents. And she was born at the same time that our child would have been. All that love and all those prayers that would have been given to our miscarried child was able to be showered into our goddaughter. I cherish that little girl's life and I feel like our spiritual parenthood over her was God's healing grace. I watch that little girl and see where our child would have been and it's a blessing. You'd think that spiritual motherhood would have hit me over the head with that glarlingly obvious little signal grace of being godparents a child the same age as what our baby would have been, but I'm a slow learner.

From this (PS. You'd think that I'd get the message...)

To this - the newest fb photo of Goddaughter #1

I still struggle sometimes. I still mourn a little, each month, the loss of a life that wasn't conceived. But I'm much more peaceful than I have been. I finally accepted the grace to have clarity in regard to our cross. I still fear the outcome of another pregnancy, so much so, that it might be my worst fear (I know, I know, after this post you're shocked to find that I still have fears on my list), but I'm a work in progress. And until God sees fit to expand our family, I'm really, really enjoying being a mom to just these little girls and our little baby in Heaven.

A family portrait created by our three-year old. I've learned more about myself than just spiritual motherhood - I've also learned I have large ears and no pupils.