on things that go hiss in the night

Here in the House of B, we're big believers in the preternatural. We're fully aware that spiritual warfare is real, present, and dangerous.

We pull no punches in this realm, or in any, really (I'd apologize to folks who read this who get annoyed with us in real life, but that's a pulled punch). 

If we're told by someone of proper authority that something is dangerous to our souls and invites demons to come on by and hang out, that thing is out of our lives. Questions asked and research done after we've rid our lives of it, and we've always found that the spiritual director (surprise, surprise) has our eternal souls' best interest in mind and they weren't just bored and needed a laugh.

So, short end of the not so short novel is that we take this stuff seriously.

My life.

We live in a land flowing with blessed water and salt.

All this is said to confirm your suspicions that I may need some help and to introduce a story.

I have a friend who is kind of new to the idea of spiritual warfare. She's listened to a sermon or two and read some articles on the topic and is growing increasingly aware of just how prevalent demonic attacks are. 

So she texts me and tells me that there is a hissing in her house. 

She's getting ready for the day and hears a voice-like hiss. Of course she whips around, hoping her children were talking to her. Nothing. She's imagined it. Until she hears it again. 

This time, she yells to her kids to ask if they were talking to her. They answer no. She hesitantly goes back to her business. And hears it again.

This time she grabs the kids and the holy water and hightails it for the door. I applaud her for waiting until the third time because I would have magically remembered a long-forgotten errand on the first hiss.

Preach it, sister.

Remember when I said I'm paranoid and scared of my own shadow? It's true. I still am. And apparently I'm also scared of other peoples' shadows because I've been thinking of The Hiss all day.

Fast forward to this evening. I go for a run - society's word for running and my word for belabored breathing and walking. And of course, when I get back my lovely dripping-wet self just wants to melt into a puddle of lukewarm shower water. As I'm getting ready for the shower - I hear a hiss.  Naturally I start giggling.

***It should be noted here that I'm awkward. Really super awkward. And when I'm uncomfortable, I laugh. A silent, unending laugh that I just can't control. If you're telling me something heartfelt and raw and emotional, please don't take offense that I'm smiling and quietly laughing. I really am empathetic to your emotions, I'm just awkward.***

In my quick-few-second thoughts, I think that it's my mom playing a joke on me because of The Hiss earlier in the day. I continue getting ready for my shower and quietly giggling because what if it's not my mom. And I hear it again.

Now I'm throwing on my clothes because demons can't attack a clothed person (it's a lie I told myself to calm the giggle. Didn't work.). I open the door and there's nothing there and I think surely I imagined it as I've never ever been known to do.

I shut the door and just stand there - enjoying the playback of my life flashing before my eyes. And I hear it again.

I jerk the door open quickly, so as to sprint the ten feet to the nearest holy water bottle (lie #2 - demons can't catching a sprinting woman carrying holy water) and what do I trip over?

At least I was alone this time.

A cat. A flipping cat hissing at another flipping cat.


The end. Tell me I'm not the only one something this ridiculous has happened to?